Man, the struggle is truly real. The Comedy business is already super cutthroat, the last thing I need is competition that specifically wants to see me fail. Eric Newman (pictured to the right) is a terrible Comedian from Delaware that just got to DC about 2 years ago. Ever since he’s been here, he’s made me his own personal vendetta. I have no idea what he has against me. But he’s been my rival since day one. We’ve competed in many different competitions and I’ve come out on top in every one! It’s obvious who the best Comedian is here.

However, it wasn’t until last week at my show on Saturday night that I discovered something very worrying….

Last Saturday, there was a huge showcase for charity in Adams Morgan, with over a dozen comedy acts all night. The dressing room were shared amongst us all, so I had to share a space with that cockroach, Eric. When he went out for his set, I noticed a folder near his belongings with photos of me and also newspaper clippings coming out of it. Once I took the folder and began to read, I found out that Newman knows my “powers”, my ability to sentence terrible people I make jokes about to justice. I saw plans of him proposing a comic battle between us, a month from now at another showcase. He plans on centering the jokes around me, to back me into a hole of going back to self-deprecating jokes, like I used to make when I was in high school. He’s picked up on the pattern that all the subjects of my jokes end up cursed, and he’s trying to use my own power against me!